the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just invented taco cereal.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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