Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
soo... how was my night?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
