Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
