You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
