There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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