Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
MIDGETS
????
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
