dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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