My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
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i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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