the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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