Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
