My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
