im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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