He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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