I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
we should paint friendship bongs
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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