an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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