from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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