She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
