You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
