I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize