So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
