my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
