Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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