You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
