did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
