Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
