I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
