get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
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he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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