Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
