i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
