you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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