yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
