so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
