Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
