WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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