Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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