dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
