Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
