you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
