Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
