i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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