dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
