I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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