Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(585): View more from New York

I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

The pool is covered.....

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Like that would stop me.

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(914): View more from New York

At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole

(705): View more from Ontario

Put me down for a bogey

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