My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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