can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
