i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I love you. Go after that dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
