my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
