Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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