Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
