I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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