Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
