"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
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