Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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