This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
