I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please come you make the beer taste better
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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