Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
