Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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