you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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