We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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