Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
